My rebellion against my parents did not start until I was in my late teenage years. I was a little darling and any form of anger was well managed within myself. There was no room to backchat, the house rules did not give room for that. However, I could rebel against any order passed down by my older siblings easily.

Arguing with my mother was easy as soon as I gained admission into the university, I suddenly turned to a pro who seemed to know all. My father had the upper arm and I never had the chance with him. He was too fierce and from experience, I could not even dear. The fear of going against anything my father said was huge and I was never ready to risk anything anyway. I lost my father before I could summon up the courage.

Managing my anger was something I learnt as a child since I was not allowed to vent it in any way. I bottled it all up and because I bottled up for so long, I lashed out in the wrong ways. I found solace in keeping to myself. I tried solving my problems myself and ended up creating more problems, I was quick to hide in my shell if things don’t go my way and I hurt in silence without sharing my pains. This has a huge impact in my adult life.

I have, however, learnt that obedience and disobedience are two important ways children assert themselves. Backchatting, as bad as it sounds does not mean waywardness. Children ( especially adolescents), don’t think things through before saying it. They are learning to stand up for themselves and it has to start with you the parent. The reaction you see is purely harmless, mere frustration.

Naturally, we all love to be in charge and the backchatting is a way to stay in control, to have the last word. I now see it as another form of tantrums. Your child is only trying to resolve conflicts. It is okay to be angry, shock, frustrated and upset when your child backchats. Backchatting, eye rolling, heavy sighs are generally frowned upon and should not be encouraged, but, they are all part of growing up. Something children need to experiment with.

The best thing to do if your child backchats or mumbles is to stay calm. I know this is easier said than done. Arguing with your child in such situation is only going to intensify the issue at hand. Keep calm and think of the best way to handle the situation. Weigh what your child is saying and decide on what to tackle first. For instance, if your child is mumbling and using some words which are not acceptable, you might want to tackle the unacceptable words first. Dealing with the big elephants might be easier than picking on your child’s harmless murmuring.

Try not to take your child’s backchat personal. Know that your child still loves you. Having a battle of words with your child would only make you overreact and upset.  Walk away from the tension.

Set limitations on what is acceptable and what is not. Be clear on what you expect from your child. This is best done when your child is in good mood. Set rules and consequences. Let your child know that it is not okay to be rude and you are not ready to accept the rudeness from anyone. Set firm limitations.

Observe the situation. Ask yourself questions regarding your child’s rudeness. When does this usually happen? Does your child backchats when he is tired? Does he backchat when carrying out a chore or during homework session? Or does it happen when you are tired or angry? Think of the causes and address the issues.

As a parent, know the difference between a healthy backchat and verbal abuse. Drawing a line between backchat and verbal abuse will help you in dealing with behaviour your child is displaying. Verbal abuse is hurtful and it is a negative behaviour which needs urgent attention. Maintain your roles as a parent.

Have a chat on your child’s backchatting. Let your child know that respect is reciprocal. Teach your child the best way to express his or herself without being rude. Your priority as a parent is to help your child engage in healthy conversation stating his or her viewpoints in acceptable manners. Sometimes, you might need to just ignore the backchatting and pretend not to hear anything. Praise your child for what he or she is doing well. Encourage good behaviour and work together to banish bad ones.

Let your child know what you can tolerate and what you cannot.  Let your child know that it is okay to get angry and have different opinions about suggestions, but, what is not okay is to be rude in pointing this out. Communicate with your child. Taking your child out on a date might ease the tension at home and makes communication easier. Talk to your child when he would listen.

How do you cope with eyes rolling, mumbling and backchatting?

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