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This might sound odd, but I am a people pleaser. Or should I say was? This wasn’t me some years back. I was never like this. Back then, I was a cup of sugarless organic black tea. I wasn’t a cup of tea for all. I had a league of my own.

But, somehow, I was labelled. I was that rude girl who saw herself above everyone. People misinterpreted my personality. And when my sister said in her disarming frankness, ” This is why people think you’re proud and a snub”, I decided to turn a new leaf. Her words pinched deeper than she said it. I felt stupid for being me.

Tracking down the confused little girl in me was difficult but I did. I came out of my ways to be around people. Without a doubt, I smiled at stupid jokes and laughed when I shouldn’t. I gave undue respect to a lot of people that didn’t deserve it. I transformed into a people pleaser.

The Dark End

Fast-tracked into my thirties, my confidence was gone. The wind of life blew me around and I obliged without complaint. The little tiny voice in me silenced forever. Undoubtedly, I became afraid of confrontations. I couldn’t look people in the face. I ducked and dived.

At work, I strived to lead but when given the opportunity to manage the team, I couldn’t perform. I would rather shoulder all the workload than assign to the team. I covered up quite nicely but I crumpled.

What felt difficult the most was calling people to account for their actions. I was timid. I became submissive to every demand. Pulling back was difficult. I lost myself.

My self-esteem suffered. I respected people that disrespected me. I misinterpreted the word “HUMBLE”. Not wanting to be seen as proud, I paid the price. I underplayed my worthiness. My self-worth.

In Search Of My Old self

I have been fighting to get back my faded glory. The person I let go many years ago. I am a work in progress, but a moment has finally presented itself when change feels urgent and possible.

I misinterpreted the word “HUMBLE”. Not wanting to be seen as proud, I paid the price.

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The consequence of letting go of yourself is much more pronounced when you hit your 40s. This battle in me has seen me crumbled over and over again. Being a people please is the worst anyone could be. You don’t just lose yourself, you lose everything you stand for.

Due to a recent occurrence in my life, I felt the need to change and change I must. Isn’t change the only constant thing in life?

I no longer want to chuckle instead of screaming out in anger. During this search, I realised I patronised people wrongfully. I accepted the utterances that defiled my purpose. And the worst part is that people took advantage. They lied and manipulate. They put me in positions I never belong. And they played victims.

Why You Should Never Be A Pleaser.

From the pedestal of my experience – sometimes losing yourself is the best way to find out who you truly are.

While People pleasers show love and affection, they find it hard to set healthy boundaries. They over-extend themselves. They own other’s emotions and imagine everyone in their shoes. This could be toxic for them if those they care about start taking advantage of their kindness.

For me, I have grown to know and accept that I cannot judge people based on my morals and orientations. Some people are not endowed with good manners but, I have given a piece of my life to too many people who (thinking of it now) never deserved it. A portion of undeserved authority. Power intoxicates, so does undeserved priority.

A Barrier And A Border To Pass-Through.

I was moved to the edge and on this edge, I built a barrier. A border to cross and a screen to pass through before getting to me.

Part of the barrier is to stop owning other people’s emotions. It is important to love and be kind, but I do not need to own people’s emotions. We all have yearnings. Life is a continuous struggle.

I am embracing the adage that says ” You teach people how to treat you based on what behaviours you accept”. Oh yes. As a result, I am setting serious boundaries. I am determining what behaviour, words and actions are acceptable to me.

At this point, I am doing the needful. As a People -Pleaser, I have opened myself to abuse and disrespect of all kind. With weak boundaries and the insatiable desires to please I became a susceptible and an easy target for the rude, narcissists, energy vampires and wounded people. And THIS STOPS NOW!