I went for a job interview at a school not too far from where I live a few years ago. I wanted this job with all my might. The initial interview and the written test were all too easy for me. The last stage was to face the panellists. I prepared, making sure I left no stone unturned.
As expected, I arrived at the school just before lunchtime. When it was time, I walked calmly into the makeshift room for my interview, said my pleasantries, chinned up all ready for the battle.
I was well composed as the interrogation began. It felt like breeze; more of a chat than an interview. The excitement in the air could be felt by all. I could tell the panel of interviewers were happy with me; with my response.
“I got this”, I thought to myself. We cracked jokes and spoke on other areas of my life. We had a bit of an affair chit-chatting until…
The Unforgiven Utterance
“Would you like to ask any of us any question about the school or anything at all?”. Asked one of the panellists. I nodded enthusiastically, smiling broadly, I asked, “Do you have any disable children in the school?”.
Suddenly, there was a momentum silence hovering around the room. I felt the burning gazes just above the table. Eight pairs of eyes got fixated on me ready to devour me alive.
The only woman among the Panellist looked at me. Her eyes half-closed with long dark lashes pierced through my soul. She flicked a pen between her index and middle fingers tapping the table which in turn produced a rhythmic sound. She sat up straight and attacked me with her words which she spat through her clenched teeth.
“We do NOT have disabled children in the school. All our children are able. As a matter of fact, all our children are able and reach their potential differences in their own paces. And as a school, we only accept people who see the best in our children. All children are able, no matter how you view it in your mind.”
I sank deeper in my chair. Words eluded me. I wasn’t discriminating against any child. Instinctively, I know every child is unique, but my question portrayed me as a cruel mindless fool. At that moment, I knew I failed the interview. I prepared for the interview but caused my own down-fall.
My Walk Of Shame
Standing up, I shuffled to the door. My legs seemed too heavy to lift. And when I managed to get to the door, I couldn’t figure out how to let myself out of the burning gazes behind me.
I heaved a sigh of relieved as I walked out of the school. Relieved that I made it out of the burning den alive, but I was laden with regrets. I couldn’t forgive myself. I asked myself rhetorical questions I had no answer to.
“Why couldn’t I just say “No” when asked if I had anything to ask?”, “Why?”
I found it difficult to forgive myself, my utterances at the interview replayed itself and the tune of the lady’s voice rang in my ears for a long time. Consequently, I didn’t get that job but I got another job in a different establishment. It wasn’t a job I liked and I felt I deserved the maltreatment I received. It was hard forgiving myself.
I changed job a few more times after the infamous interview. I put my inability to get my desired job to that one interview. The lady’s voice haunted me for a long time and each time I felt the pain of rejection.
Learning to Let Go
How many times have you recalled that mistake that cost you a thing or two? Perhaps, yours was the scenario far different and more humiliating than mine. It might be your inability to merge up to the unreachable height you set for yourself. As a matter of fact, It might be a relationship that died due to something you did or say? Or the secret you revealed to someone which you later regret?
Do you wince in pain anytime you remember that encounter or that person? The questions with “what if”, or, “what not?” and “why?” won’t help.
Forgiving yourself can be difficult if you never put a bit of effort into it. In fact, many ignore this important aspect of self-love. It is important to know that you can’t hold yourself guilty of every offence.
We often hear how good it is to forgive others for it calms our troubling souls. But we all forget that an unforgiven self doesn’t bring much good. Strength comes from within, as well as kindness, love and forgiveness.
Those Time When…
How many times have you kicked yourself when your child didn’t meet up to the false standard society placed above you? How often do you jerk yourself hard for not having enough?
I don’t know what it is you’re holding against yourself. It might be a lost friendship or a misunderstanding that cost you a bit of your heart. Perhaps, yours is a failed marriage. Or an utterance that pulled down the wall which surrounded you? Maybe, you find it unforgiving for pilling on so much weight. Whatever it is, it is time to forgive yourself.
It is okay to be you and to accept yourself and your shortcomings. Forgive yourself and work to be the best version of yourself. There’s absolutely nothing wrong in accepting that you are a mess. Once you’re able to accept you, it’s easier to clear up the mess you created.
Part of me is the ugly-clumsy old fool, an emotional-wreck, one who commits blunders without meaning to. Another version of me is sweet and loving and beautiful. I am learning to let go, to forgive myself and accept me. I am willing and ready to outshine my ugliness.
To err is human after all.
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Nicely put together and warm words of encouragement. Your story is so relatable. Thanks for sharing