My confidence did not just plummet and disappear into the faraway, it gradually diminished with worries, doubts and what not. I was not the type of person who could shake the ground with their speech or turn heads in astonishment when spoken. No, I was not.

In myself, I could gentle crept upon a person and made a presence. In my little circus, I was present, my opinions mattered, I was someone, a little force to reckoned with.

I was sure of what I knew, I could walk up to people without thinking of their views about me. I felt the world under my feet. I radiated confidence. Taking up challenges was seen as part of life and I had a grip over any that surfaced.

 Withdrawal from ME

Something must have happened along the line as I climbed the ladder of age. I lost myself and everything I fed on, I lost my confidence. The most valuable item I lost was the belief in myself. I did what I needed to do without the conviction of any worth. I was on autopilot doing what needed to be done.

I Withdrew from being me. Withdrew from things I loved to do. Withdrew from the things that made me ME. I saw myself gradually moving away, gradually disappearing, I faded into the scenes of emptiness and I did absolutely nothing about it.

My confidence suffered from every hearsay I entertained. From every gossip, ideas and thoughts of people around. I lost confidence in every failure, with every job I did not get. I allowed people’s perceptive of me determined my mood and my mentality. I was completely distressed. With every argument, I suffered a setback.

I trod on thorns and eggshells. I walked in the shadow of my very self and stumbled on unnecessary studs. I interpreted every whispered, every smile, every wink as a harmful weapon against me. My relationships suffered. I loathed the life I live. I let people rate my achievements and my life attainment.

I became bored with myself. Many times I stared in the mirror in disbelief. The person staring back had nothing to do with me. Who was this person? What happened?  I crumpled under my thoughts. My self-esteem suffered. The emptiness I felt could not be put into word.

My Unsteady Return

Returning back to myself took an effort. It was more of exhuming a 100-year-old corpse. I fought myself to emerge. I struggled with the negative thoughts in my head. I blocked the humming sounds ringing in my ears.

Every little step I took felt like a million steps. I celebrated little achievements. It was tough. I chose to relearn all my forgotten vibes. I chose to pick one at a time. I am still choosing and repolishing my self-worth, my values and what I want to represent.

Living life is much more fun than existing. I put all my worries, self-hate, doubts and the self-loathing mechanism in a metaphorical box, with each passing hour, I move a millimetre of distance away from this box. It is a slow and strenuous journey with great achievement.

I refused to entertain unconstructive criticism as I cannot afford to lose the grip on the slippery tail of courage. I am building on the technique. I am learning. I stopped mere existing, I am learning to live.

You…

What was it you love to do and had given up due to pressure in your life? Was there something that once gave you immense fulfilment but you somehow lost the zeal? Where do you want to be? What is stopping you? Identify the stumbling blocks and learn to walk again.

I might not be where I was decades ago, but, I am trying. I am a working progress of what I used to be. What about you?