My sister is two years older than me, but, our childhood was filled with rancour and full blown hatred. We were friends until I was 8.  Something must have happened along the line, she turned from a loving sister to a very ugly monster.

Respect in my family or should I say, in my culture, has always been overemphasized. Though my sister is just two years older, I was not allowed to “disrespect ” her in any way. I had to let her win at all time and it was okay for her to send me on errands without any complaint from me. She was cunning and very clever at been cunning.She was stronger than me and she knew how to place her argument.

By the time I was in my pre-teenage, the relationship between us had turned sour and we never saw eye to eye. Our teenage years were filled with flashes of lightning and thunderstorms. It was filled with pure hatred, an absolute menace. My sister was popular among her friends and I had a score of people who hated me. I also tried my best convincing my friends as well. Some of them knew she was evil and I tried to shut her out of my life.

My mother knew about the rivalry, but, she was of the opinion that an elderly sister had the right to “bully” in some cases. My sister would sometimes cook up stories just to get me in trouble. I remember her telling my mother I had a boyfriend down the street. It was all lies, but, I got in trouble anyway. As teenagers, we were not allowed “boyfriends” in my family, it was against the house rules. Any mishap at home was my fault. At one point, my mother locked us out to resolve our differences, but, I was beaten and bitten. I still have my sister’s teeth marks on the back of my hand! Oh, how I hated my sister!

The grudges and war continued until the end of our teenage years. I was bruised emotionally. It was a “war” the whole family knew about. At 21, my sister had her first child and just like the rivalry started, the hatred melted away. We became friends again and I could finally breathe.She left home for good.

My sister is my friend now and we never argue. We live in different part of the world, but, I’m always the first person she calls when things don’t go right. She is a loving mother to her children and a wonderful sister to me.

Siblings rivalry is normal, but, it can easily turn to siblings envy if care is not taken. There is little parents can do. It is best to talk to the children involved, however, if the rivalry starts to turn violent or you could sense it becoming intense, adult intervention is required immediately.

Separate your children when they fight and keep them apart until they are calm. Discourage violent and encourage dialogue.

Try not to blame any of your children when they argue. It takes two to tango. Focusing on whom to blame might cause more harm than good. Blame each child equally if you have to or let the matter rest.

Help your children learn how to play together or resolve conflict when it comes up. Encourage your children to consult each other before a decision could be made. Give them the chance to meet and deliberate on issues. This allows them to consider other people’s opinions and it help strengthen relationships between siblings.

Set rules on what is acceptable. Part of the rules should be behaviours that are not allowed for instance name-calling,  screaming, fighting etc.

Give each of your children one to one attention. Don’t let any of your children feel left out. Don’t overemphasise a child’s worth at the detriment of another. Praising a child over another causes rivalry or envy between siblings.

Express your love for your children. Share cuddles, kisses, and praises equally at different times. Praise each child’s beauty and intelligence equally.

Recognise when your children need time apart. If they squabble over TV, make a rota together and let each child contribute to how the routine should be. Help them stick to the routine.

Hold frequent meetings on house rules and review past arguments and conflicts. Children sometimes fight for attention. Express your love and devotions to your children.

Spend time together as a family on fun activities. Engage your children and work together to resolve conflicts.

It is okay to seek professional help if the rivalry is causing tension in the family or if it is affecting emotional health of your children. Sibling rivalry is normal and healthy, but, help is needed if it turns sour and brutal.

Please share your experience. How do you resolve sibling rivalry?

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