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Today, I felt like the whole world had conspired against me. I was not happy. I tagged along with the day’s routines like a zombie, my autopilot in motion moving my body to comply. It was all gloomy.

Needless to say, I had been strong in the last few challenging weeks, I had accepted the avalanches of the turmoil face up without a wince, but when the storm was nearly over the spang of pain began. I didn’t see this coming.

The Closure

I had the urge to cry. With tornado of tears welling up and blurring my vision. Rays of pain shot through my body, pains I never expected nor could I describe. Outdoor was my antidote, however, going out felt like a chore. I peeped through the window and the repulsiveness I felt put me off.

The kids needed picking up from school, lunch was lurking near my banging head so were other responsibilities. I put up a show, dressed up and dragged my rather sluggish feet to do its job. I walked like someone who knew she was being watched but couldn’t reveal the awareness.

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I managed to pick up a few things at the store, promising myself a new recipe. Cooking was part of my pastime, but the journey home was slow and uneventful. I felt something was wrong with my car, wrong with everything.

Subsequently, I placed my shopping bag with its content on the worktop of my kitchen but too overwhelmed to unpack. Not interested in cooking. I had nothing ready for lunch but, nothing could be done as I choked in desolation.

The dejection in this bubble was deep and its tension had rubbed off on me. No one seemed to notice.

The Not So Visible Pain

Waddling off to the living room, I slumped against the cushions with sadness and distance on my face. I couldn’t help what I feel, I wanted this feeling to stop. I wanted to be happy, however, nothing helped. It wasn’t my decision to feel this way.

The most difficult part of this feeling was the bubble I felt around me. The bubble I couldn’t get out of no matter how much I tried. The dejection in this bubble was deep and its tension had rubbed off on me. No one seemed to notice.

The Outlet of My Emotion

I blurted out what I felt. As if compelled by a great power within I remembered every detail of what I aspired but couldn’t achieve. I wasn’t pleased with me, with everything.

My whole being bored the expression of utter hopelessness. At the moment words wouldn’t do it, but a listening ear, attentive but nonjudgmental.

Hot flushing tears streamed out of me. I heaved with emotion. I said it all and I said nothing in particular. Weeks of bottling it all up failed me. I shook violently while I let go. It was a relief to let it out. To bare myself to someone who wouldn’t judge me, but listen. Just listen. I needed this therapy.

A slight symptom of depression and anxiety. It was okay to feel this way sometimes. It was okay not to be okay sometimes. It’s all part of life.

The Truth About Depression and Anxiety

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The sad truth is some people go through this type of feeling every day without knowing what to do or whom to turn to. This person unknowingly to you might be your neighbour, your friends, sister or cousin.

In the UK one in four people experiences a mental health problem yearly. There’s a high probability that you know somebody affected by either depression or anxiety which are the most common mental health conditions according to research. https://www.bupa.co.uk/newsroom/ourviews/2017/10/anxiety-depression

Depression, anxiety and all spectrum of mental health illnesses don’t make you or someone going through this illness weak. It doesn’t make them unspiritual ( less religious) and definitely not superstitious.

It is okay to feel sad sometimes. Or perhaps to feel hopeless some other times. What is not okay is when this feeling of hopelessness, panic attack or anxiety affect every day and interfere with everything. https://www.ageuk.org.uk/information-advice/health-wellbeing/conditions-illnesses/depression-anxiety/.

There is no shame in what you feel.

It is time to speak to someone if the feeling of worthlessness and hopelessness have become second nature to you. It is time to remove the stigma attached to mental health. There’s no shame in what you feel.